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gerald hearts breakdowns.
1922-1993 | Mystery | 1 comment
O.k....so, here's the remedy for a terrifying stinkhole (a.k.a. your terrifyer). In an atomsmasher, mix three 1/2 cups of french dressing with 9 bags of fritos. Pound the mixture into your homo-zone. Let rest overnight (THAT MEANS NO GAY SEX!). The next morning, play "The Hammer Brothers" level on Super Mario Brothers 1 for exactly 40 minutes (about 40 minutes). You should notice a viscous liquid seeping from your gary busey. At this time, collect and reserve the juices; you will later put ...
haunting the chapel.
1922-1993 | Drama | 1 comment
The other day I ran into Gary (who I fingered last winter). Shit was awkward. I had no choice but to pretend I was spanish. Gary looked peeved and affirmed my suspicions with a swift french kiss, right on the butthole. He's coming over for clamato and slim jims a little later. I love that man. /
Laser Piss/Razor Piss
1922-1993 | Horror | 1 comment
Nine summers ago, I bashed my icy dickskin across the face of my eldest brother. And though Sean was as mad as a season of madness, he swiftly forgave me with a hundred forty three tiger uppercuts to the ballbag. Lemme tell you something, if it wasn't for mother dearest fingerin' the hell out of my barbeque pit, I would've thrown in the towel right then and there. I would've sank a shitlog right in Sean's thirty-one-year-old mouth. I would've been like, ...
Johnstone Phillips 3
1922-1993 | Suspense | 2 comments
"4 minutes till showtime!" shouted Barry as he methodically unzipped his drawers like a python swallowing a small colored child. 'Damn,' I thought to myself, 'my entire career is riding on this performance.' Throwing caution to the wind, I removed my shoes, socks, button-down shirt, nipple-rings, nail polish and ball-hair. I fastened my motherfuckin' seatbelt and drove a dodge durango right through the studio, mowing down six gay interns like a family of gay ...
The Clerk's Quarry
Cardboard Warmachine | 2 comments
There is a fine red line between the weighty privlidges that come with wearing a brown-baggers apron, and those that sadly, do not. After twenty months working at SuperPantry, I had thought that I had a fairly good handle on those shining nuggets of power that I was able to mete out like lightning from the fist of Zeus; until recently however, I never knew how deeply my power ran. / Ten hours behind a dirty conveyor belt can drag on like Russian torture if you don't find your ...
Chronicals of Ted, From Accounting. Part 1. Chapter I.
Mullanaphy! | Ridiculous!, Drama, Suspense | 0 comments
Ever get one of those headaches that feels like some one is going to town on your ovaries with sandpaper? Even when you're a man? Yeah that's what I have and with each ticking minute it just gets worse. Out of oxycontin and this bomb isn't going to defuse its self. / Luckily it's now just me and the bomb. Everyone important is out of the way, so if I fail it'll only take me with it. No significant loss. Although I hope people will at ...
Behind the Strip Club
Buttermilk Baby | Romance | 1 comment
I pressed her against the alley wall. Against the cool brick, squeezing her ass in one hand, holding the back of her neck with the other. We wrestled with our mouths for what seemed like hours. Half sweating, half freezing in the breezy autumn dusk, she pulled her lips away long enough to get out one demand, "Tell me it's real..." / "Not on your life bitch," I forced back, but not as hard as I forced my tongue down her throat. And that was good enough for her. / Amidst the passion, ...
Ode of Herring Jack
Shitwincer | Romance | 2 comments
"She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen," he said, weeping on the john in a truck stop Waffle house. His name was Herring Jack, he had a warrant for his arrest, and broken heart full of forbidden love the size of a jelly jar reserved for a single person. / "Are you gonna tell me a story?" said a tiny tin voice coming from either a small boy or a confused little girl using the urinal next to him. His first choice was correct, as he managed to gather all his remaining strength and tilt ...
Marriage Saver
Mullanaphy! | Comedy, Ridiculous!, Romance | 2 comments
"Make love to me." / Alright, no complaints here. Well maybe just one, why is she dressed as Walter Cronkite? "Hey, what are you dressed as Walter Cronkite?" / "What do you mean?" replied the sexiest Walter ever; she even has that sexy comb over going. "This is how I always look. The look you feel in love with." / Bollox, I've never loved anything other than myself, and bacon, and cocktail weenies, man do I love those little cocktail weenies. ...
Closure
Shitwincer | 1 comment
"And that was no doubt one of the weirdest things I've ever seen." Fox said, curled up on the seat next to mine crafting some odd looking sculpture. Strange what a man will confess when sitting at a potter's wheel, but who am I to judge, especially when he's reenacting the movie ghost with some girl who looks remarkably like Patrick Swayze. Accept for the mustache she was sporting, of course. / "You haven't even told me the story yet," I replied, hoping he ...