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Cutlery
Shitwincer | Drama, Ridiculous! | 3 comments
After I wrote that stupid Proclaimers song, I thought I'd be / the third musketeer in a sudden Swedish pop sensation. Contrary to this, my dreams were about to / fade like the demand for white wash jeans. / The elephant graveyard in my closet made me a tabloid monster, fresh off / the cover of Weekly World News. The / paparazzi would be here any minute, beating me to death with flash photography, / siphoning my soul onto collector's lithographs, sticking me on a Wheaty's box ...
Seduced
Mullanaphy! | Comedy, Ridiculous!, Romance | 3 comments
"You're trying to seduce me, hot." / "No, I'm trying to rob you. Hence the knife and me saying 'give me your money bitch'." / "Oh I see what you're saying, you really want me and would love to tenderize my dark, sweaty, meaty body but you're afraid of what society, and in particular your mother's opinions on this matter." / "Again, give me your money or I'll cut you whore." / "Yeah, ...
The Power of the Dark Side
Cardboard Warmachine | Comedy, Sci-Fi | 1 comment
"Governor Tarkin, I recognized your foul stench the moment you came / on board," Gregory mused to himself, carefully untying the balloon that / housed his latest achievement. He tipped the contents into his palm; a / four inch plastic replica of Moff Tarkin, fresh "out of the box" as it / were. / After disposing of Tarkin's thoroughly used vessel, and placing the / figure carefully back into it's vintage carrying case, Gregory wiped a / large handful of petroleum jelly away from his ...
Vessel Act 1: Turtle Doves pt. 1
Shitwincer | Suspense | 3 comments
With one eye open he held the pistol firmly between her / shoulder blades; he had most certainly caught her off guard with a flush of / surprise. He hadn't expected this / intervention this early in timeline, and even less likely in the means that / brought them together. This time, he had / delivered silk pillows to her penthouse suite of the Wyndmere towers, mooring a / city where the haystack was high and the needles small. Immediately he had felt that rush, like many / times before, ...
Squirrel haiku
Cardboard Warmachine | 0 comments
-I live in a tree / Squirrels usually aren't gay / nuts are in my mouth / -A car comes at me / I should run in front of it / wish I had some nuts / -Raccoons are brazen / their masks bely their nature / raccoons are huge dicks / -Winter comes on fast / diligent are rewarded / rabies froths my jowls / -Children are armed well / paintballs graze me violently / I poop in their hair / -Mighty Owl takes flight / Damn owl ruins my scurrying / my skull is eaten /
Video Poker
One Armed Ninja | Action | 1 comment
I was down, down getting my kicks.... at the ritz, when a young man dropped a plate of tacos on the floor. I stood up and stabbed him in the Coat Rack with my salad fork. Salads are for fags anyway. I sliced that mother all the way to his gross mug. Then I punched his sister. Before I knew it, I was on a rampage, and it was awesome. I flipped the kids table over and made them eat their stupid crayons. They give out Blue... Yellow... Green... thats it. Thats all you get. How? How I ask, can you make a ...
No Bones about it.
One Armed Ninja | Ridiculous! | 1 comment
Late the other night there was a knock at my window. When I looked outside my dog was dead. I grabbed a knife out of the kitchen and went outside. I noticed something sticking out of my dog's mud flap. I pulled it out slowly, but pretty fast. It was a note that read, "meet me in shoprite next to the frozen foods at 4pm tomorrow." I couldn't sleep all night. I was masterbaiting. The next day I went to shoprite full of cum and sweat. A woman with no breast a beard and a dick was there. She ...
Best Part of Waking Up
One Armed Ninja | Ridiculous! | 1 comment
If I had 75 cents for everytime I woke up with another mans arms around me while his body lay in the other room, well I'd be expecting my first check for 75 cents in the mail within the next few days. What the hell happened here?! It's not like me to set up a crime scene in my own home. There is a thumpa dump bump at the door and I'm not sticking around for any compa rump hump, if you know what I mean. I throw a few cans of air freshener in the microwave and press the picture of ...
Shut Up Howie.
One Armed Ninja | Ridiculous! | 2 comments
Something smells. I woke up sweatier than my dad's balls after a long hard dick at work. Someone turned the heat up and it wasn't me. I'm too freaking short to reach the the thermostat. I open the door slowly and peaked into the hall. My tiny shirmplet peaked too. Just then Dessert Storm rolled out of my shorts. No friendly fire in that soft batch, I thought to myself. I giggled for about five minutes at my Desert Storm joke, then dragged a chair from the kitchen table to ...
The Suit
Shitwincer | Mystery | 0 comments
He sat on the floor in a cuss-huffing daze, like a pilgrim caught with the thanksgiving cornucopia wedged in the wrong porthole. This was definitely and unquestionably the worst 15 seconds of his life, and they continued bumbling as an inchworm crossing the freeway. No matter what, he was fucked, simple and clean. His costume, the one he had spent hours tailoring had been reduced to shambles, and like this fabric, he wished to run something through a paper shredder, probably flesh and blood. Gozz ...