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Dirty Socks and Such
Buttermilk Baby | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Fantasy | 3 comments
It all started at around six twenty one on a Tuesday. I was sitting on my couch eating a pack of Rolo's. The couch is covered with dog hair. Regular Rolo's, not the spicy kind. I do not have a dog either. Just as everything was going good I dropped one on the floor. I bent down to pick it up but was stopped by a knock at the door. / I opened the door. I was staring out at a beautiful red-head. She was not a man. Her mouth was made of solid gold like a movie ...
the Fire Toadstool
1922-1993 | Ridiculous!, Sci-Fi | 4 comments
I was working for the / weekend the other night when a policeman approached me. "I'm gonna need / a table," he said. The thought of moving a muscle for an officer of the / law made me want to die. "I want to die," I told him. He looked at me / like I'd just told him I wanted to die. There's a moral to this story. / I saw him leave the building later that night drunk past the test. / Suddenly I made a wish that that officer would die in a car accident on / the way home. Suddenly I ...
Home of the Dead 3
1922-1993 | Ridiculous!, Romance | 1 comment
Home of the Dead (The Rhyming Years) / It / sure was nighttime. The trees were dark, the walls were dark, etcetera, / etcetera. Patrick arrived home from the fields, but I could not see him / (it was pitch black, you shit head). I began to realize that Patrick / owned the odor of man. Previously, I believed 1922-1993 to be a man of / very little stench, if you catch my drift. So help me, this smell was / so strong that it knocked the creatures from my features. / "Holy smelly," I said, "you smell / ...
Home of the Dead 2 (Texas Peck)
1922-1993 | Serious, Romance | 3 comments
Home of the Dead 2 (Texas Peck) / Now / the sky was beginning to turn the color purple as 1922-1993 and I / numbered the days. I felt as though Patrick was beginning to grow tired / of taking care of me; carting me around, washing my hair, feeding me, / covering my body in maple syrup. And while I'll have to admit 1922-1993 / gave one of the meanest awful waffles, I was growing concern for the / poor guy. I decided that I would use the disability money I had / collected to take 1922-1993 to the ...
The Man With the Orange Pod
Lash Leroux | Ridiculous!, Sci-Fi | 5 comments
It happened in sixth grade. I was sipping Sprite at the school dance when I sensed someone fast approaching. It was some curly bitch who lost her virginity at age ten and would inevitably become a lesbian. To this day I don't know what I did to piss her off. All I know is that she called me the dirtiest word I have ever heard in my life just before punting my tenders into my abdominal recess. / A wheeze turned into a low, guttural moan. It was barely audible over Coolio's bass. I had ...
Apartment 4E
Buttermilk Baby | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Horror | 5 comments
"Shut the hell up, you fat bitch," he mumbled, clasping his hands over his ears in a vain attempt to silence the bestial cries. He started pumping his feet in aggravation, which lead to a flipped coffee table and subsequent spilled glass of orange juice. "Every Goddamn day, every, single, ONE!!!" His cries could be heard from the hall, but that didn't change a thing. / Theodore Grumfeld had lived the last month of his life in constant agony. Not because of sickness or ...
Truth
Mullanaphy! | Ridiculous!, Comedy | 2 comments
"Oh man, check this beast out!" I couldn't believe he just said that, deep down I don't think he believes it either. / "Yeah! My new Mac is the best. It has all the one button technology that any single man could ask for." Maybe he did believe it after all. / Looking in his hopeful eyes, the kind begging for approval, I decided to tell him what he wanted to hear. "Fuck that noise, might as well bought a cardboard box and drawn a unicorn on the side. ...
Kyle Johnson
One Armed Ninja | Suspense | 3 comments
Hi, my name is Kyle Johnson. This is my story. One day late last summer I was walking home from school and some older boys tricked me. Those ol' boys tricked me good they did. They said they found a wild panda and it needed milk and a warm pair of pants. They took me into a near by shed. The taller of the three boys said "take off you pants or the panda will freeze to death." "Ba..ba ba but it's 95 degrees out." I replied. He smacked my face hard and said, "Fuck yeah it is, so get ...
Heavenly Pelvis
Lash Leroux | Ridiculous!, Romance | 1 comment
Last night I had the best make-up sex of my life. I wore lipstick and eye liner, and my wife went crazy with blush. Actually, she just used the lipstick to paint two red circles on her cheeks. It was incredible. / We had just gotten over our latest fight. It was our worst to date. Things were said that will never be undone. She called me a jerk and I said she meant "less to me than a terd resembling Regis Philbin." I guess we both deserved such harsh words. After all, I did miss our anniversary ...
Saint Butchley
Buttermilk Baby | Action, Comedy, Ridiculous! | 1 comment
SAINT BUTCHLEY / I never would have guessed I'd be in this situation yesterday. It's crazy. The last twenty-four hours have been nothing like anything I ever imagined. I stand here, on the edge of a New York high rise holding a nude infant in my left hand, and a piece of fried chicken in my right. Choppers hover above blazing spotlights in my eyes and whirling blades in my eardrums. Police are down below shouting up at me. I can't really hear them. Thirty floors ...