Writings
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Starwars
Shitwincer | Ridiculous!, Horror, Mystery | 0 comments
Everyday I eat gravy with a side of ranch dressing. As it pirouettes like a dewdrop about my homesick for blistex lips, gravity steals tender morsels, and how they plummet into the depths of my corduroy slacks. I'm like, damn, I sure wish they made a bib for my pants, so I began to dream of space clams & 747 jumbo jets, and the funny children they would one day have. I don't like hospital food, it makes me jittery on the inside. all that sweet, sweet msg and nowhere to go but down. ...
Home of the Dead 5 (Massive Internationals)
1922-1993 | Serious, Horror | 0 comments
"Preparing for a Roman boyfriend is no joke, and neither is getting your bearings, your balls in gear, your shit together, etc." / 1922-1993 was preaching to the choir, I had already completed a fourteen week weight training program in a matter of twenty minutes; tossing a load sauce onto every bronzerino mansaurus who posed so golden before my very eyes. / "The Total Weight Lifters' Guide to Arms of Pain??!!" 1922-1993 cried out with a scowl/naked chest; spilling his burrito all over, ...
Home of the Dead 5 (Trapped in the Mother's Tang-Forester)
1922-1993 | Serious, Drama | 0 comments
I awoketh, but failed to riseth much. Mine was the next dimension, the one with the jelly head; the one with the brains spread thusly on the toast. I had a black eye. All four of 1922-1993's hands were tied, like, restrained behind his gross-ass back: a blanket of duct tape smashed snuggly across his lips and eye lashes. We were surrounded by dynamite - fuses of the essence. Next, I managed to cut loose the left hand, which fired instinctively to my hoo-ha. Ever so slightly, with the most ...
Leafy
Shitwincer | Ridiculous!, Action, Drama, Mystery | 0 comments
My urine is green with environmental extasy. Sometimes I hang out with deer in the forest. We talk about the rising and falling of gas prices. I feed him sugar cubes and punch him in his bambi looking kisser. He rebuttals with two hooves to my kidneys. I don't pee right for a couple days. Its an inside joke. We lie in the grass and watch the starlight. I draw moustaches on his face when he's asleep. For some reason writing balls on someones forehead never goes out of style. The ...
Home of the Dead 4 (Kings of Energy)
1922-1993 | Serious, Romance | 2 comments
Foursday, eleven-eleven, B.C. December - it was the day the power company decided to neglect the R.S.V.P. cut-off date for my birthday party (my husband's birthday party). The request was explicit, precise, defunct and so forth. Solution: me, I, a.k.a. the Narrator, jumped in my baby carriage (the one with the bass drum attached to the side of it, the one with the snare drum mounted to the dashboard) and shredded rip curls all over God's creation - headed toward the fucking station. As ...
Dear Johnny #2
Mullanaphy! | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Drama | 3 comments
As most of the world probably already knows I used to have an ungoing help article section to help out troubled youths with their problems. Much like Dear Abby but actually useful. Heres an example, more to come! / Dear Johnny, / I've been having a serious problem. Everywhere I go, people want to know, who I am, so I must tell them. It gets very very annoying to have to constantly tell them. What should I do? Please suggest suicide. / Signed Depressed in NJ / Dear Depressed in NJ, / Sure ...
Dear Johnny #1
Mullanaphy! | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Romance | 1 comment
As most of the world probably already knows I used to have an ungoing help article section to help out troubled youths with their problems. Much like Dear Abby but actually useful. Heres an example, more to come!Dear Johnny, / I have a problem. I work with the most beautiful girl in the world, but no matter how hard I try to get her to go out with me, she always has an excuse not to. First It was her kids; once I had them killed, suddenly she's too grief stricken to even consider dating. My ...
Some Kind of Hero
Lash Leroux | Ridiculous!, Action | 2 comments
She thanked me, threw her arms around me, and called me a hero. / No one had ever called me a hero before. I certainly didn't have the credentials I assumed most heroes possessed. My only memory of middle school is the time I sharted in Home Ec. I had to think fast and spent the last thirty minutes of class sewing my shorts into pants. Needless to say, I was suspended for two weeks. High school wasn't much better. I was voted "Most Likely to Spit in Someone's Food" in my ...
The American Dream
Shitwincer | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Romance | 1 comment
Had a dream I was treating Data the Android for / post-traumatic stress. Apparently, / scientologists believed he is the supreme space robot, even though he's Hollywood / plastic. Not surprised. 1/32 to scaled / models, cardboard, and old buttons from prize cranes are convincing. At his wits end. Plans to paint hand grenades like Easter eggs / for children in the park. Not a bad / idea, yet frowned upon. Strangely / removed. Not surprised. Been hiding in the garment district where ...
The Smell of All Fear
One Armed Ninja | Ridiculous!, Mystery | 3 comments
His rotten teeth makes his sick mouth look like a zipper. Each time it unzips the horrors of my childhood come rushing back. I've been watching this nasty bag of filth for about an hour now... still holding the first beer of the night. The site of his discolored mouth rocks smashing bar peanuts into pulp is enough to make Arnold give birth... again. / Well, I can't let that happen, because it is I who am pregant... with rage, and I'm going into labor. One swing at the bar ...