Writings » Dear Johnny #1

Dear Johnny #1

By Mullanaphy! at 2008-10-07 | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Romance | Printable version

Dear Johnny #2 »

As most of the world probably already knows I used to have an ungoing help article section to help out troubled youths with their problems.  Much like Dear Abby but actually useful.  Heres an example, more to come!

Dear Johnny,
I have a problem. I work with the most beautiful girl in the world, but no matter how hard I try to get her to go out with me, she always has an excuse not to. First It was her kids; once I had them killed, suddenly she's too grief stricken to even consider dating. My question is, what kind of voodoo spells will bring her children back without giving them a hunger for brains?

Signed Billy Everyteen

Dear Billy Everyteen,
Your first mistake is trying to get her to want to date you.  Don't feel bad because a lot of guys, including myself, have made this crucial mistake.  We'll buy flowers, candies, prostitutes, and on one occasion I even brought a girl her own foot as a sign of trust.  You sir must learn the real way to a woman's heart, duct tape.  Also for you 'taken' men out there, duct tape is a great way to evaluate your current relationship.

So now you have the duct tape, strapped her to a chair, and cut off all the phone lines in her house its time to get romantic.  Since it seems you legitamitely love her I guess the gesture of raising her kids back from the dead is a sure fire way to get her creaming for you.  If however you just want that one night fling, go nuts, forget about the kids.  Dead bastards anyway.

So first off, you're going to need at least a level 17 Necromancer on whatever popular MMORPG you are playing.  One that has Raise ability.  So you click on the ability and set it to Z.  Now point with your mouse on her kids and release Z.  If that doesn't work, try offering up a part of your lady friends to the dark world.  That always does the trick, but try to really hold off on that one.  Unless you are a big fan of demonoid sloppy seconds.  At that point its like throwing a hotdog down a hallway though.

Signed Johnny

Dear Johnny #2 »