Writings » Legend of the Cactus Fondler.

Legend of the Cactus Fondler.

By Mullanaphy! at 2008-04-04 | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Drama | Printable version

            "Caught at last Mr. Cactus Fondler!"

Now I know what you're thinking, Mr. Cactus Fondler isn't the most charming of nicknames.  Unfortunately in this case it rings true.  ­You see I'm a traveling man.  My main companion is the cold desert nights, and the cold nights can't warm you in the right way if you catch my drift.

Sure, traveling is great but sometimes a man must let his carnal needs run rampant.  So I've enjoyed the rough prickly feel of a cactus here and there.  Does that make me a bad person?

"You sick perverted evil man!"  Hmmm, maybe it does make me a bad person.  Well I must at least try to defend myself.

"Yeah copper?  Maybe what you say is true or maybe you are all the sick perverted evil men and women!"  Lets start a philosophical debate.

"Nope, just you."  Damn, his mastery of linguistics were simply overwhelming.  Can't give up now though.  Must put up some fight or I'll never be able to look at myself as a man anymore.

"You don't know what its like," oh yeah, the empathy card works every time, "its lonely for a guy like me.  Hell just look at my face!"

"Well shoot son, don't be so hard on yourself."  Cha-ching, I was cashing in on my empathy ticket like it was a food stamp and his judgement was a juicy steak.  "So what if it looks like your face was gang raped by a pack of Chinese midgets.  That doesn't mean you must succumb to the dark arts of cacti manipulation."

Crap, I was losing him and losing him fast.  Blast this gentleman officer's silver tongue.  "Well what do you know about my plight?  What do you know about true loneliness?  What do..."

"Son, let me cut you off right there," fine, I'm curious.  "You see once I treaded down that slippery slope, sigh, its hard to admit but I've had my helping of cacti-pie.

"You see, I lost my way when I was young and reckless.  Doing anything to get in the sack with a cactus, pine cones too if no cacti were around.  Every once in awhile an aloe would feel the wrath of my seed if I were so lucky."

"Damn, but..."

"Shut the *beep* up!  Its story time and I've got the *beep*ing book!  So as I was saying I did many things and look at the burden I must now carry."

It was as though his pants just evaporated.  I heard the quick zip and bam, this pudgy officer performed a great feat of dexterity.  Why'd I look down?  I know that's what he wanted, but I clearly didn't.

It looked like a sloppy taco with one sickly mushroom hanging off.  I wanted to vomit in its general direction, if not on it.  I know I'm not the only one feeling nauseous.

"See boy?"  I had nodded my reply.  "This is what the road of cactus fondling brings you.  Although I've grown quite fond of it, unlike my bitch of a wife."

Alright I could no longer keep it in.  Vomit city all over my pants.  Half the stuff there I didn't even remember eating.  Especially those half dozen seashells.

"Thats good boy, real good, mmmmm."  That made me feel even more nauseous... only this time in my soul...

"Say now, you still need to be taught a lesson, mmmmm."  Great here it comes, he wants my anal virginity.  Well he can guess again because I'm having none of his mushroom taco!

"Now I want you to bend over and grab your toes," we'll see about that, "go on now."  Damn, his master of dictation was manipulating my body as though I was a mere puppet.  "Good, now I want to put this here apple on your head."

Where the hell did he that that apple from?  He still isn't even wearing pants and its not like he has a fanny pack on.  More importantly, what kind of sick kinky crap is he trying to pull here?

"Excellent, now what we're going to do here is simple, real simple, mmmmm."  Great, I'm bent over with an apple on my head while he's still pantless barking orders.  "I'm gonna take this here bow and arrow and shoot that there apple off your head."

What in tarnations is going on here?  I feel like I'm on the *beep*ing X-Files the way he keeps pulling objects out of thin air.  He's not a man, he's a magician!

Pffump, the sound of an arrow let loose and in transit.  Carplowee, direct hit and I all can think about was confusion as my head become covered with apple sauce.  Not even apple sauce with cinnamon...  "Let that be a warning to you boy, now get on out of here."  He doesn't need to tell me twice.

"Oh yeah, if I ever catch you fondling a cactus again I'll be fondling you," His voice began to trail off as he headed towards his car, still pantless, "and by fondle I don't mean shooting apples off your head, oh lordie no, I mean I'll be taking your anal virginity.

So there it is, the last night of the elusive cactus fondler.  Also the last time I ever stepped foot in Utah, a bunch of weirdos there...