Writings » Silent But Deadly...

Silent But Deadly...

By Lash Leroux at 2008-02-09 | Ridiculous!, Action | Printable version

I am a stealth assassin.  As I creep through the reeds, clad entirely in black, you would think I was a black hole on wheels or a very quiet elk or something.  As I approach my target, I pause to avoid being detected by the sound of my heart.  I coax that fist of cardio muscle into a lull with some soothing talk.  "Don't worry, baby.  I've got a few hundred milligrams of sodium for you when this is all said and done.  Shhh, baby."  I put my finger to my throat.  I never could feel my own pulse, but I'm pretty sure my lullaby has worked.

Fearing the glow might reveal me, I quietly knock my pipe out against a tree stump.  I am now within earshot of my target.  I can hear the bass line of "Come On Eileen" blaring over some ancient speakers.  I execute an unbelievable forward roll and peer out from between a couple shrubs.

My target spreads out before my eyes.  I see chips, dips, chatty women, a bunch of dudes in shorts drinking Coronas, and one fag with his feet in the pool.  Sure, it looks innocent enough.  Sure does.

I dash from the darkness and begin unloading tomahawks like a mailman in December unloading letters addressed to the North Pole in the dumpster behind Wendy's.  Needless to say, I'm impaling bitches.  I'm fighting my way toward the six-foot sub when my buddy, Paul, Corona spilled all over his shorts, says, "Mike?"

"Yo, what's up, man?" says I.

"Are you wearing long johns?"

I stare at him for a whole twenty seconds before replying, "That sub over there looks pretty good.  Is that Italian?"

"Turkey, bro.  Help yourself."

"Cool..."