Writings » The Fight Before Christmas (Part 1)

The Fight Before Christmas (Part 1)

By Cardboard Warmachine at 2007-12-11 | Ridiculous!, Action, Comedy | Printable version

Twas the night before Christmas
and twas nary a sound
save for Santa's derision
as he spat on the ground.

His fat ass was tied
with great skill to a chair 
as he stared down the muzzle
of a kodiak bear.

The beast on a chain
was held back by a man
with a patch on his eye
and a gun in his hand.

Aside from this villian
stood two other men,
a short one in workboots;
with a pad and a pen

The other stood tall
with a boxcutter knife,
waving a picture
of Santa Claus' wife

"Threaten my family
and murder my elves,
still you'll not get the secret
that you want to yourselves"

The man with the bear
named Guts for his nerve
tensed as his mood
took an ominous curve

"You've withstood the beatings
and weathered the knife,
just tell us your secret
to your eternal life!"

The men had thought something
not thought by their peers;
Santa's been flying
for hundreds of years.

Daniel the tall man
took blade to the to the picture,
"Spill your guts fatty,
or you're old lady? We'll nix her!"

Cringle was nervous
his brow popped with sweat,
complying with these rogues
seemed to be the best bet.

"I'll hand it to you fellas,
you certainly aren't dopes,
you've caught me, you bound me
you've got me to the ropes.

"So i'll tell you all what
you've been wanting to hear,
how I birthed in BC
and survived to this year."

Guts yanked the bear chain
and signaled to Greg,
who balanced his notebook
steady on his legs.

"I'll tell you just once
how i've s'far stayed alive,
I lived to be this old
by learning how to survive"

And with that the red fat man
ripped his hands from his binds
as Guts yelled "That's it boy,
you're over the line!"

But Santa was ready
for his furry assailant,
as he pulled from his pocket
a lethal inhalent.

The bear stopped like a carwreck
in the midst of his charge
as he breathed the green vapors
that Santa discharged.

Greg in his workboots
was up on his feet
As Guts tried to put
Santa back in his seat.

Daniel charged in
with his shortblade a'swing
but was stopped by the candy cane
that Santa did fling,

Sharpened with care
to a point like a dart
it ruptured the blood
from Daniel's poor heart.

Enraged by the death
of his fallen companion
Guts pulled his handgun
and fired with abandon.

He sprayed at the walls
like rain on the ground,
but it takes more than bullets
to put Santa Claus down.

As Greg in the workboots
made haste for the door
he was stopped as his head
turned to a geyser of gore.

For behind him was Santa
who stopped his mad run
with a "toy" pulled from nowhere;
a sawdoff shotgun.

Guts' clip was empty
his compatriots dead
this hadn't quite gone
how he'd planned in his head...