Writings » Truth

Truth

By Mullanaphy! at 2007-11-22 | Ridiculous!, Comedy | Printable version

            "Oh man, check this beast out!"  I couldn't believe he just said that, deep down I don't think he believes it either.

            "Yeah!  My new Mac is the best.  It has all the one button technology that any single man could ask for."  Maybe he did believe it after all.

            Looking in his hopeful eyes, the kind begging for approval, I decided to tell him what he wanted to hear.  "Fuck that noise, might as well bought a cardboard box and drawn a unicorn on the side.  The only thing that piece of crap is going to give you is AIDS.  Happy now?  Now that you're going to get AIDS?  No sympathy from me either, you deserve what you're going to get."

            Alright, maybe it wasn't what he wanted to hear, maybe it was extreme, or maybe its just what the doctor ordered.  Either way those doe eyes of pure hope and passion were now tiny slits of agony.  Not wanting to see my friend like that I decided to punch him in the balls.

            I Should probably mention at this point that I'm not the nicest of guys.  Hell, seems to be the perfect time to describe myself, we can resume the story later because this is just too good.  I'm a tall man with many names.  Names like Bob or Bill or even sometimes Jack.  Jack is good.  Anyway I, Jack, love to ride down those metal slides.  Only when they've been baking in the sun though.  My fanny likes it hot and hot it shall receive.

            Back to the story.  So anyway my friend, Jill, is now laying on the ground grabbing her balls.  Of course most girls don't have balls its just that Jill is a very special girl (the kind you'd find in a Thailand sex hut).  Looking down I can notice blood beginning to flow.  Is she miscarrying?  I wondered, no opined the situation.  Can a girl with balls truly give birth...  To anything?

            "What the hell man?  You punched me right in the balls!"  It speaks, so elogantly too.  "Right in the balls, me your best buddy Steve."  Oh yeah, his name is Steve, not Jill!  Hell Steve is a guy too.  A pretty bitchin' hardcore badass kind of guy ta-boot!

            "You were asking for it.  Macs are for pansies and aristocrats."  Laying some truth down.  Mom was right, I should've looked to become a priest or another type of holy man, witch doctor maybe?  "Just look at it, with its gimmacky showboating and silly icons."

            "Awwwww my balls..."

            "What the hell kind of reply is that you jerk?"  Anger starting to form, fists starting to clinche.  The audacity of my friend Steve.  Sttteeeeevvvvvvveeeeeeeee.  Here I am trying to be reasonable and show all the faults in his life and he can only reply, aw my balls.  I'll give him something to aw about.

            Luckily I remembered that I didn't put my shotgun away.  In fact I left it fully loaded in the baby's crib right between the toaster and gallon of orange juice.

            "Steve, you really had this coming."  Yeah I sounded pretty sly as I was pumping the shot gun.

            "What the hell is wrong with you?  Are you off meds or something.  You just trashed talked my only true love, punched me in the balls, and now this?"  Meds, shmeds, I didn't need them.  They only blocked the truth.  Blocking truth blocks justice.  Time for talk is over and only justice can prevail.

            "Good bye Steve, may God have mercy on your sick and twisted soul..."