Writings » Dear Diary, Part 1

Dear Diary, Part 1

By Mullanaphy! at 2007-11-04 | Ridiculous!, Action, Comedy | Printable version

Dear Diary,

 

Today was another good day.  I woke up around 7:00am?  Maybe pm, I'm not sure.  Which ever one is the one where the sun is setting.  Doesn't really matter, only thing that does is the fact there was a bowl of golden grahams waiting for me.

 

Well, next came the shower.  This time I figured to save time and water by showering completely clothed.  Now I won't have to do a load of laundry.  I'm so smart aren't I Diary?  Of course I am.

 

After eating and cleaning I figured I'd go visit the local mall, maybe play a little Dance Dance Revolution.  So, as I walked through the mall I only noticed death.  Death of an entire species, and that species you ask?  It was the species that will go down into history as a warning to other creatures: "Don't be like the humans, they were lame."

 

They were all around me, commies, fascists, and totally emos.  Sure I got it, they were mad as hell and they aren't going to take it; F the man; beat up the Amish.  Don't hold me on that last one though, that might be my fantasy only.  Anyways Diary, I just wanted to tell them to stop being big babies.

 

After about 20 minutes of swimming through this ocean of human sewage I had started to crack.  One after another, each one more like the last, it was like an N*SYNC cover of Children of the Corn.  My palms had started to sweat, pace had quickened, than finally while in full stride I let my battle cry rumble.

 

"THATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE WATER RUNNING!"

 

I saw my mark, teenage punk #13.  He saw it coming, unfortunately it was too late.  A deer caught in the headlights, instead of a deer he was just an itsy-bitsy squirrel while I'm the mother-fucking h-bomb.  Kaboom!

 

Diary, it was the most gracious leap a man of 300lbs has ever done.  So not wanting to let that go to waste I just added more love to this baking muffin.  Mid flight I had thrown both of my legs forward and stiff.  Perfect, right to his chin.

 

Bedlam, thats what happened.  Every pathetic stereotype was now rumbling in a sea of ecstasy.  Goths knocking out gangstas, guidos getting leveled by jocks, and soccer hooligans showing the merits of experience.  Blood, guts, and teeth.  It was the most beautiful painting I have ever done, this time the mall was my canvas.

 

My job was far from over though.  I had still needed an exit strategy.  My choices were simple, either go with sneaking out the door next to me than walk around the entire mall, or knock out that chubby and use her as a platform to jump over the chaos through the door right by my car.  Since I'm easily the greatest human being ever I thought my choice was quite clear.

 

It felt like punching a sleeping bag filled with rancid meat and I was afraid that my hand would smell just like that imagery.  Damn, I had been right once again.

 

"BANANA-RAMA!"  It had just felt right screaming that as I was pouncing from skull to skull.  At that point I had known what it was like to ski the K-12 with only one ski.  John Cusack you sexy son-of-a-bitch!

 

Woah, it looked like I had jumped my way right into a cheap Double Dragon knock-off platformer.  In front of me had stood one of the biggest guys my eyes have ever laid sight on.  He said something like "Come use this door, get to safety," but I wasn't taking the chance of him tricking me.  My chance had shown itself so naturally I took it.

 

"Your hair's on fire, faaaaaagggggg!"  Probably was wrong to have said that, looking back his hair wasn't actually on fire.  Back to the story though, at that point I had lept towards him like a hungry dog would a corpse.

 

After landing I put all the weight towards my shoulders, got low, and than drove that jerk right through those glass doors.  We scrambled for a bit but I eventually got the upper hand.  Then proceeded to posture up and able to do my patented "vagina monologue" which consists of 3 sharp knees to the groin than 4 over the top elbows to the eyes and chin leaving every man hating life for sitting through it.

 

Well, there it was, the el Pinto.  It was time to grab myself a wench at the closest truck stop diner and drive off into the night.  Unfortunately I'll be honest with you Diary.  Hell you are the only person I'm ever really honest with.  Well Diary, I didn't find my wench today, nor did I actually drive off into the night.  No, I struck out somehow and washed away my sorrows with 2 quarts of ice cream and The Notebook.

 

Sleep tight Diary, I'll see you tomorrow.

Signed, the greatest human ever.