Writings » Seduced

Seduced

By Mullanaphy! at 2007-10-25 | Comedy, Ridiculous!, Romance | Printable version

            "You're trying to seduce me, hot."

            "No, I'm trying to rob you.  Hence the knife and me saying 'give me your money bitch'."

            "Oh I see what you're saying, you really want me and would love to tenderize my dark, sweaty, meaty body but you're afraid of what society, and in particular your mother's opinions on this matter."

            "Again, give me your money or I'll cut you whore."

            "Yeah, get tough baby, tell me you want it."

            "Screw it, I'll rob someone else, freak!"

            "Don't hide your feelings!" Dang, there goes the sweetest man I have ever met.  He was the only man to truly love me too.  Such a shame, mother would've approved of his gentle touch.  It was like morning dew on the Sahara.

            I digress.  Back to my original plans for the day, step one, acquire waffles.  Twelve or so would do, hell a woman has to keep her figure after all.  Especially after such an unsuspecting and harsh break up.

            Oh boy, how can I not digress?  He even called me by my pet name, "Freak."  Some people found that odd, but it was our little thing.  Just between us.  Damn his mother and her haughty-taughty society, we were in love damn it!  Hope she dies of an operatable cancer that's easily cured.  Just that she didn't realize she had it because she had skipped a couple of checkups.  That would be poetic justice.

            "Yo fatty move, you're blocking the whole sidewalk."  Just like that and I'm falling head over heels into another meaningful relationship.  What is wrong with me?  Why didn't I give myself enough time for personal healing?  Oh well, this is love so I might as well toss myself into the open arms of this toothless, bronzed god.  "Seriously fatty, move, die, or get on a treadmill."

            "Sure I'll go on a date with you, you big sexy stud," just like that we were young and in love, despite the fact that we're both 40+.

            "Wait, what? Really?"  He just looked so cute with his attempt of a comb over.  "Wow, I thought no one would ever want me, I mean I am 5'1" after all."

            "5'1" of pure stallion, rawr!"

            "Wow, wow, wow.  I mean I constantly made fun of others in an effort to boost my own ego, yet if I can make it with a 6'0" monster than that's all the boost I need.  Well, that and phone books make a good booster.

            "Oh yes, take me, fill me up, balance my checkbook, buy me steaks, murder the mayor!  Do it all, do it all for me, do it all for us!"

            "Yes, tonight baby!  Well maybe not the balancing your checkbook, ditto about the mayor.  That's weird, but damn the rest is hot."

            "You know it."  I can already hear the wedding bells, can see the nice house with a white picket fence, and can definitely see the mayor's head mounted in the study.