Writings » Chronicals of Ted, From Accounting. Part 1. Chapter I.

Chronicals of Ted, From Accounting. Part 1. Chapter I.

By Mullanaphy! at 2007-10-12 | Ridiculous!, Drama, Suspense | Printable version

            Ever get one of those headaches that feels like some one is going to town on your ovaries with sandpaper?  Even when you're a man?  Yeah that's what I have and with each ticking minute it just gets worse.  Out of oxycontin and this bomb isn't going to defuse its self.

            Luckily it's now just me and the bomb.  Everyone important is out of the way, so if I fail it'll only take me with it.  No significant loss.  Although I hope people will at least know my valiant efforts.  Or maybe just forget my not so valiant effort last Tuesday.  So what if she didn't have teeth, or a leg, or a heartbeat?  Well now its redemption time so let's just crack open the front panel.

            "Mother fucker, who the fuck would spray paint all the mother fucking, god damn, wires magenta?!?!"  Sorry for the profanity, but that seems like a legitimate question to me.  How can I cut the red wire if all of them are magenta?  Guess its time to actually try and remember my intense swat team defusal classes.  All three of them.

            What was Professor's saying again? "If none are red, you're dead?"  What was on the white board?  That's it now I remember!  Professor dropped this nugget of truth on us, "if some sicko gets too cute and spray paints the wires, say magenta, than just scrap off the paint with your tooth like so."  I don't need to tell you how amazing those visual aids of his were.

            "Alright you man slut, lets see how you like some teeth action."  I was on those wires like an Asbury Park hooker working for crack, just not as much teeth.  Hmmmm, looking around I still don't see the damned red wire.  Hmmmm, the second part of the lesson went something like this "After having taken care of all the spray paint and you still have no luck finding the coveted red wire than simply find another colored wire and spray paint that one red.  After its done drying, snip and you win a fabulous prize."  Professor, let me do you proud.

            As I spray paint and than let this wire dry might as well write my will.  Of course I don't want to but its better safe than sorry.

            "To whoever it may concern, when I die I would like everything except my deviant porn collection to go to my step son, Mike.  As for the deviant porn collection, I would like my mother to have it so she can distribute them at work.  Also, I want to give someone a pony.  My cousin Keri, I would like you to have a pony.  Obviously I don't own a pony so I suggest you save up some money. Sign Jack O'Leary."

            Sweet, now that the paint is dry lets cut this turkey open and declare it Thanksgiving.  This is surely going to make me a hero.  Really can't wait for the national holiday and ticker-taped parade in my honor.  About damn time I say! *SNIP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

            Not good.  Pretty sure the Professor also said loud and obnoxious beeping was a bad thing, a very, very bad thing.  Time to execute the last lesson he taught me.

            Step 1. Duck behind your blast shield.

            Step 2. Cover your mouth and groin.

            Step 3. Enjoy your ride.

            *KA-BOOM!!!* Awesome, deep down I hoped it was a 'ka-boom'.

             "Oh sweet mercy!" *THUD*

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