Writings
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Dear Johnny #2
Mullanaphy! | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Drama | 2 comments
As most of the world probably already knows I used to have an ungoing help article section to help out troubled youths with their problems. Much like Dear Abby but actually useful. Heres an example, more to come! / Dear Johnny, / I've been having a serious problem. Everywhere I go, people want to know, who I am, so I must tell them. It gets very very annoying to have to constantly tell them. What should I do? Please suggest suicide. / Signed Depressed in NJ / Dear Depressed in NJ, / Sure ...
Dear Johnny #1
Mullanaphy! | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Romance | 1 comment
As most of the world probably already knows I used to have an ungoing help article section to help out troubled youths with their problems. Much like Dear Abby but actually useful. Heres an example, more to come!Dear Johnny, / I have a problem. I work with the most beautiful girl in the world, but no matter how hard I try to get her to go out with me, she always has an excuse not to. First It was her kids; once I had them killed, suddenly she's too grief stricken to even consider dating. My ...
Some Kind of Hero
Lash Leroux | Ridiculous!, Action | 2 comments
She thanked me, threw her arms around me, and called me a hero. / No one had ever called me a hero before. I certainly didn't have the credentials I assumed most heroes possessed. My only memory of middle school is the time I sharted in Home Ec. I had to think fast and spent the last thirty minutes of class sewing my shorts into pants. Needless to say, I was suspended for two weeks. High school wasn't much better. I was voted "Most Likely to Spit in Someone's Food" in my ...
The American Dream
Shitwincer | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Romance | 1 comment
Had a dream I was treating Data the Android for / post-traumatic stress. Apparently, / scientologists believed he is the supreme space robot, even though he's Hollywood / plastic. Not surprised. 1/32 to scaled / models, cardboard, and old buttons from prize cranes are convincing. At his wits end. Plans to paint hand grenades like Easter eggs / for children in the park. Not a bad / idea, yet frowned upon. Strangely / removed. Not surprised. Been hiding in the garment district where ...
The Smell of All Fear
One Armed Ninja | Ridiculous!, Mystery | 1 comment
His rotten teeth makes his sick mouth look like a zipper. Each time it unzips the horrors of my childhood come rushing back. I've been watching this nasty bag of filth for about an hour now... still holding the first beer of the night. The site of his discolored mouth rocks smashing bar peanuts into pulp is enough to make Arnold give birth... again. / Well, I can't let that happen, because it is I who am pregant... with rage, and I'm going into labor. One swing at the bar ...
Home of the Dead 4 (Deja Menollie)
1922-1993 | Serious, Drama | 1 comment
1922-1993 felt drained, I mean, his condition was increasingly awful and extremely sexual. We thought some good old-fashioned elbow grease might send a lightning bolt of hatred through his heart of sickness, so I drew up blue-prints for a dog house and we hit the grindstone, hats but no pants. I drilled two three quarter inch holes in Patrick's chest; where his nipples once was - where his vagina once were. Next, thrice parts copper tubing - inserted strongly in the butthole (to be no more ...
The Tear Jerker
Lash Leroux | Ridiculous!, Horror | 2 comments
Archie Farchy made his living / Digging graves for fifty years. / For fifty years he filled those holes. / The Man Who Caused a Million Tears. / He touched boys of many ages / In a cave of many secrets. / Farchy took their fucking souls. / For fifty years he filled those holes. / He still has their fucking souls. / The Man Who Caused a Million Tears...
Home of the Dead 4 (A Chapter in Loss)
1922-1993 | Serious, Drama | 3 comments
On Monday morning around 3am, 1922-1993 was standing at the foot of my bed (which was a plastic racecar), reading from his book of original proverbs. / "Live now/create (remember that's "slash create," you little fuck), for soon your memory will be erased like a stepchild's artwork," Patrick preached in a baritone register. "Do not forsake the bake - pastry is tasty...thus, the lonely baker holds most of the secrets." / One good philosophical load of shit ...
Legend of the Cactus Fondler.
Mullanaphy! | Ridiculous!, Comedy, Drama | 1 comment
"Caught at last Mr. Cactus Fondler!" / Now I know what you're thinking, Mr. Cactus Fondler isn't the most charming of nicknames. Unfortunately in this case it rings true. ­You see I'm a traveling man. My main companion is the cold desert nights, and the cold nights can't warm you in the right way if you catch my drift. / Sure, traveling is great but sometimes a man must let his carnal needs run rampant. So I've enjoyed the rough prickly feel ...
Home of the Dead 4 (The Potato Famine)
1922-1993 | Serious, Drama | 2 comments
I woke up as an irish boxer, rising and falling/triumph blah blah, so I changed all the outlet covers in the house; that's known as an update, jazzbreath, and it was a chore with those green boxing gloves getting in the way. 1922-1993 was smitten, like, totally fucking naked, thumb-tacking his bean bag to a sesame seed bun (his bun, a.k.a. his own ass, for lent). I was like, "whatevs," while I wiped the sesame seeds off his old/poorly tattooed/over tattooed/miserable rear-end (everyone knows ...